Saturn is currently sitting at 15 degrees in Sagittarius, and for those of us in our 50s who have natal Chiron in Pisces, this is another testing time as transiting Saturn is - or has been - making a tight square with this asteroid named after the mythological half-man half-centaur, from the Greek pantheon to be the healer of our wounds.
Wounds, did I say? The legend of Chiron has it how Chronos seduced a woman named Phillyra, and both changed to horses so their illicit affair wouldn't be seen. Phillyra fell pregnant, but unfortunately for the baby, he was born as half-human and half-horse. The baby was abandoned by his mother, who took her own life in shame. Chiron was left to fend for himself, and over time, came to be a great healer and teacher. Chiron's wound was abandonment, something I share, as my siblings and I were brought up by our father after our mother left.
Lately, this personal wound has reared its head again with Saturn - currently in my 7th house - squaring off with my Chiron. Chiron also sits alongside my midheaven in the 10th house at 16 degrees, while the midheaven is at 15. Saturn is the God of time, of our fears and limitations, forcing me to address this particular wound of my past, including rejection, abandonment, sorrow and grief. This has been especially painful as I have felt a terrible guilt at moving away from my family, even though it was necessary. I did what I could to be the best mother for my kids, because I love them and remained committed to them, even in the more difficult times. They're grown now and it was inevitable for them to have sprouted their wings. My daughter had already moved out and started her own family life. I forced this decision onto my sons because I knew they wouldn't move with me down the coast, and fair enough. I'm on my own for a lot of the time nowadays and there is too much time to think. Life isn't the same without my kids, even though part of me initially welcomed the change and new opportunities. The new area I've moved into has shown its ugly side and I have felt uneasy and vulnerable for it, even though nothing has directly happened towards me. It's more to do with neighbourhood disputes which I couldn't help but overhear, making me even more uncomfortable. Ironically, my house is comfortable and I feel safe within it. Over time, though, I have felt a deep seated anger from around me but was unable to put my foot on it exactly. The neighbours aren't very talkative to each other, they keep to themselves. It was quiet, and yet I sensed a disquiet. I tend to feel things this way and pick up on the emotions of others. Now that I've seen for sure what it's really like, I have to detach from it.
So in effect, the 7th and 10th houses are in friction, by nature of the square. Add to that the sort of planets I'm dealing with - as archetypes of course - and there are more cans of worms to be opened. The next few weeks are going to see Saturn in the 15th and 16th degrees before it hits the 17th degree and make a harmonious aspect to my natal Sun by way of a trine. This aspect couldn't come soon enough. What's really happening is how my fears - such as they are - could also be an illusion in its irrational appearance - I have to see through the crap and work through to the other side. It's not easy, as I have been dwelling on what and who I left behind, the neighbours who were nice and dependable, the home in which I raised my family for 20 years and put down my roots. Life was stable, and yet there was a frustration at knowing that the family home wasn't mine. I was merely the custodian after the marriage breakup until my youngest son turned 18 and the house finally sold.
I'm not normally the sort of person who lives with regret, but this hasn't just been about me. My decision to move affected everyone in various ways, and I felt (irrationally) that I abandoned my kids. So there is guilt and separation anxiety which I've found very hard to shake. The plus side right now is that I've enrolled in a design course and my time will be devoted to that, without any constraints or distractions. I guess it's simply a matter of time, a settling in period that's needed in order to adjust. I also printed off photos of my granddaughter and put them inside a frame, hanging them up in the living room so I can see them. If I still feel like this in the leadup to the silly season, I may need to seek counselling. I hope that by writing this today, I can unload my feelings and put one foot in front of the other again.
I have no idea what really brought me here to this area, as everything seemed to happen at once in this last year. My youngest turned 18, my granddaughter was born, I had painted and decorated the old house and yard for sale, went house hunting, dealt with the legalities of buying and selling, and finally moving. The area felt really great initially, and I'm involved with the local spinners and weavers group, local market stalls and the like. I have since come to the realisation that I'm alone, and for the first time in 23 years since my oldest son was born. So much has happened and it's hit me like a cement truck. Life brings many valuable lessons, and this is one of them for me. There's no such thing as me doing anything by halves, and I will one day see the funny side of it all.
Till next time, Wassail!
