Essentially, what I'm attempting to convey with this post is about allowing myself to live a completely different life to the one I have left behind.
I moved away from my family, friends and acquaintances, a community and other creature comforts to begin a brand new life down the coast - an area previously unknown to me apart from the odd holiday over the years. I did this nine months ago now and I'm still adjusting. What hasn't been helping me are the bites at opportunity for gainful self employment, without the follow through or momentum to keep it going, despite my best efforts to do so.
I also have been returning to my former home town to see my family and mind my granddaughter when I was needed. I was also recalled to my former casual employ for a couple of days because of short staffing. I worked, was happy to reacquaint myself with former work colleagues, spent time with the family and enjoyed the change. In the back of my mind, though, something wasn't feeling right and I was already on to the inkling that I haven't felt grounded yet in my new life. My old life was calling me back, but I realised that it was very temporary. I travel with my dog when I stay with my family overnight, and even that has become problematic. My dog is very lively and needs a steady activity of exercise and company, which I wasn't able to provide because I was at work for two full day. He's also not a people dog and it didn't take long for his territorial nature to kick in, causing my daughter a good deal of stress, which wasn't intended.
When I drove home last night, I was very upset. I was exhausted, and when I'm exhausted I think too much. Then it occurred to me: I am allowed to step back from my past life (to some extent) to do what I originally intended - start again! I thought that I had allowed this to happen, until I realised that going back home every week or so was causing more pain and grief than it was to stay away. I haven't had as much cleaning work over the summer as I would've liked, and it was because I was obliged elsewhere. Now, those obligations are over, as my granddaughter is starting day care. If I were honest with myself, the only reason I have seen my family is because I've been going up there to see them. I had been afraid of letting my old life go, and while I'm still not over the line just yet, it's time to change my mindset. I drove home with the desire of wanting to stay here, and set my own plans in motion. It's been 24 years since I first became a mother and while that aspect of my life will never end, it is changing. The only way I will ever feel grounded is to stay here more often and really plant my roots in the area. Last night was the first night of solid sleep that I've had in a good while, which is a good sign already.
When I became a single mother back in 2002, I devoted most of my time in to raising my kids to be the best people they can be. It was agreed that the kids and I would stay in the marital home until the youngest child turned 18. So I did, at great cost to how my own life was going to unfold. If I had my own way, I would've moved away while the kids were young, but I wanted to make life for them easy as possible, including regular access with their father. I have now come to realise just how much my own life was put on hold while I was raising my kids. I don't regret that for a moment, although I have been living through this terrible paradox which kept me rooted to the spot. It's this paradox which held me back from living my life now.
It's important for me to make new friends, enjoy the lifestyle that the Bay and Basin area has to offer (and I have!), find gainful employment and earn a decent income, and become more involved in the wider community in whichever way I find it. While I have made every effort to do all these things I have been pulled back to my past. I have gone back there for redress, to acknowledge that the only constant in life is change, and I'm now allowed to think more for myself. When once I have devoted my life for others, I got used to it. Now, my family are grown and able to fend for themselves, and I have done my parental duty. It's not selfish of me to live my own life now, even though I would've been thinking that deep down. I can now give myself permission to move on, well and truly. While I have no guarantee as to where my life is going to take me, I'm ready to make the change!
Till next time, Wassail!
